It Never Ends

Recurrent pregnancy loss is a weird little thing.  It never ends.  There is no shitty thing that happened that you can move on from because every month, we feel those emotions fresh again when we are once again not pregnant.  This month, September, was the month we were supposed to have our first baby.  We should be sleep deprived and stunned with the joy and mess that comes from such a small human being.  We should be celebrating a new life but are instead mourning something that never existed.

Each pregnancy that we have had, there is someone that we know who is going to have a baby.  Each pregnancy that we have had, someone else is having a baby when we should be having one.  Each pregnancy we have had, someone else got the good and we got the bad.

We are still not pregnant.  We are still not parents.  We are still infertile yet fertile.  We still have no explanation except shitty luck.

It is ok to mourn.  I decided to read the book of Job.  Job's sons and daughters all died on the same day, he lost a large majority of his servants, and his flock/wealth in one shitty day that GOD ALLOWED.  And Job's response when he heard the news was to tear all his clothes off and say "Naked from my mother's womb I came and naked will I return.  The Lords gives and the Lord takes away.  Blessed be the name of the Lord."
He literally lost all of his children and praised the name of the Lord immediately?  How powerful and beautiful.  That's been my mantra the past couple days.  The Lord gave.  The Lord took away.  (The Lord is in control and I don't understand the plan and I may never even know the plan much less understand it.).  Blessed be the name of the Lord.